The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
