just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
