After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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