So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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