I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
