I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
