I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
