Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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