I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
