And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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