I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
