In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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