your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize