Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
