i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
