you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Even my vagina gasped.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
