Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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