My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
