I look better un-naked...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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