Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
