question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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