Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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