She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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