the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
