I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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