The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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