I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
