We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I can text with my tongue
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
