Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
