so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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