I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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