She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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