Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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