you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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