i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
