She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
