Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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