So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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