You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
