do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
