My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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