can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
