Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
