my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
