bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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