I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
