I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
