In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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