Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
