im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
