so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
