she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm having to shit out rocks
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize