Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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