I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
