Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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