just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
