Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
