I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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