woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ladies don't puke and tell
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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