I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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