i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
