so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
