I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night