so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.