Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.